How to Not Get Selected for Jury Duty: 5 Effective Tips

How to Not Get Selected for Jury Duty: 5 Effective Tips

So you got that lovely little envelope from the court saying you might be called for jury duty? Ugh, right? I mean who wants to sit in a stuffy room with strangers all day listening to boring legal stuff? Not me. But don’t worry! I’m here to help you dodge that bullet. Let’s get into some funny tips on how to not get selected for jury duty. Seriously, it can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack after eating an entire pizza.

Step 1: The Costume Change
First things first, if you want to avoid jury duty, you gotta look the part. Why go in your regular clothes when you can show up as a zombie? Like seriously! Throw on some torn clothes, sprinkle some face paint, maybe carry around a fake brain (yup I went there). The jury people will be like “Nahh we can’t have this person here.” Mission accomplished.

Step 2: Use Creative Excuses
You know those excuses you hear to get out of stuff? Time to unleash creativity! Tell them you can’t serve because you’re training your pet goldfish for the Olympics. Or maybe say you’re conducting top-secret research on how many slices of pizza fit inside an adult human’s stomach (good luck explaining that in a courtroom). Just make sure it sounds semi-believable or they could think you’re just crazy.

Step 3: Overact Your Fears
Okay but listen, if all else fails and they actually call your butt into the courtroom, it’s time for the acting awards. Just sway back and forth while sweating profusely and loudly exclaim “I’m terrified of judging people!” Like really lean into it. Add some dramatic gasps too. People love drama! There’s no way they’d want someone so “emotionally unstable” as a juror.

Step 4: Make Friends with Court Clerks
But wait! Don’t just walk in alone looking miserable. Start making buddies with the court clerks. Bring them cookies or even offer them foot massages (if that’s your thing). Just casually drop hints about how long it would take if they selected YOU as a juror, including all your “fears” of being locked in there forever. They might boot ya out just to avoid your waffle-ing.

Step 5: Pretend You Have A Really Important Job
When asked what you do, say something super important like “I’m an intergalactic potato developer.” Who knows what that is!? Exactly! So they’ll assume your work is CRUCIAL and judges don’t want someone who has intergalactic responsibilities dragging down their very serious trial over whether Bob stole Sally’s sandwich three years ago.

Step 6: Speak In Riddles
Now here’s one for ya: when they ask you questions, talk only in riddles. Like when they ask if you’d make a good juror say something like “if two apples fall far from the tree but one is made of cheese.” Watch their faces when they’re confused about what the heck you’re talking about – guaranteed chuckles and confusion!

Step 7: Act Like You’ve Already Made Up Your Mind
Finally, walk into the courtroom proclaiming loudly “I already know who’s guilty!” Then start pointing randomly at people – even other jurors or court officials – just be weird about it. They will probably think no one can handle your bias and send ya home faster than light speed!

FAQ Section

Question: What should I wear for jury duty?
Answer: Best choice is obviously zombie makeup or pajamas – comfort FTW!

Question: Can I actually act during jury selection?
Answer: No lie, as long as it’s entertaining enough for the judge, why not?

Question: Is it legal to use weird excuses?
Answer: Yup! Just keep ‘em funky and hopefully no one asks more questions!

Question: Can yelling “I refuse!” work?
Answer: OMG yes! But make sure you’re prepared for handcuffs…

Question: What happens if I get caught pretending?
Answer: They’re gonna laugh… then probably still kick ya out anyway!

Question: Are snacks allowed during jury duty?
Answer: As long as you’re not chomping popcorn while deliberating a murder case – gotta keep it classy!

Question: How many times can I try these tricks?
Answer: As many times as Bob steals sandwiches from Sally… which is apparently A LOT.

And there ya go buddy! Now go forth and try these tips like your freedom depends on it—cause let’s face it, sometimes it kinda does! Good luck dodging that jury duty like Neo dodging bullets!